By coming together in money matters, couples can increase their unity and decrease conflict in their marriage.

 

When we come into a marriage, we each have our own expectations and ideas about money should be handled. Some people are savers, some are savers.  Trouble comes when a saver and a spender get married.  In my marriage, my husband and I are both spenders.  We are not overly crazy with our money, but we have never been able to build a savings and leave it alone. 

In Bernard Poduska’s book Til Debt Do Us Part, he talks about how birth order can affect how a person manages money.  He says that a first born child will often feel the need to control the family finances at the same time, feeling uneasy if any of the financial responsibility is given to a spouse.  Middle children are most often “pleasers”.  They like to buy others gifts, and find it very hard to tell their kids “no”.

My husband is a first born child, and I am the middle child.  This has created problems for us in the past.  My husband likes to control the money, but yet is a spender himself.  His purchases are justified, but mine are not – you can see how this would cause friction in our marriage. 

Poduska recommends three things that couples can do to help remedy this situation.  He says spouses need to openly talk about the finances, along with their expectations and desires. Next, he says spouses need to create an agreed upon financial plan, or budget.  Lastly, Poduska says spouses need to give each member of the family an allowance, so they can have some money to spend as they wish.

In my marriage, we have solved some of our money differences by creating a budget and sticking to it.  We openly talk about our finances with each other and our kids.  So the only step we still need to do is give each member in our family an allowance.  I think it’s important that a husband and wife have a little money of their own that they are free to save or spend as they wish.  I feel guilty when I make little purchases for myself - with an allowance, I wouldn’t have to feel that way.

In Marvin J. Ashton’s talk One for the Money, (2007) he talked about how husband wives can successfully handle their money.

“In the home, money management between husband and wife should be on a partnership basis, with both parties having a voice in decision and policy making. Peace, contentment, love, and security in the home are not possible when financial anxieties and bickerings prevail. Proper money management and living within one’s means are essential in today’s world if we are to live abundantly and happily."

 Marvin J. Ashton's steps to proper money management:

*Pay your financial obligations promptly, which is part of integrity and honesty

*Learn self-discipline and self-restraint in money matters

*Money-management skills should be learned together in a spirit of cooperation and love on a continuing basis.

*Use a budget. Avoid debt, except for homes and education.

*Make education a continuing process. Complete as much formal, full-time education as possible.

*Work toward home ownership - Buy the type of home your income will support

*Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program. It is most important to have sufficient medical and adequate life insurance.

*Involve yourself in a food storage program. Accumulate your basic supplies in a systematic and an orderly way.

Learning to live within our means should be a continuing process. We need to work constantly toward keeping ourselves free of financial difficulties. Careless and selfish uses of money causes us to live in financial bondage.”

My husband and I went over Elder Ashton’s steps together.  We feel like we are on a positive path to accomplishing all these steps.  Having an agreed upon budget has relieved so much stress in our lives and in our marriage.  Our rule is that we have to ask to spend anything over $5.  Then every couple days or so, we look at our bank statement on line, and add the amounts into our Budgeting App.  The App helps us get the big picture of our finances.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part. Salt Lake City, Utah
Ashton, Marvin J. (2007) One for the Money. General Conference Address

Men and women were created equal, but sometimes in our marriages we don’t treat each other that way. 

Sometimes I think that I know best, and I want to get my way because I’m right!  When I get in this mindset, I am destroying me and my husband’s unity.  I have to remember that we are equal and both our voices should be heard and acknowledged.

Jesus, said to those who would be part of His Church: “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27). Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to united together. That unity in marriage is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.

In order to obtain unity in a marriage there are things we must do.

First, we must forgive and not hold grudges. Jesus set the example for us from the cross: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

Second, we have to learn to love imperfect people, including ourselves. “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil” (1 Cor. 13:4–5). We must not react negatively to other’s faults and forget our own. 

Next, we need to use our similarities to understand each other, and our differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around us.   (Henry B. Eyring, That We May Be One, April 1998)

We not only need to do things that foster unity, but we need to avoid things that destroy marital unity as well. 

Some things that destroy unity in a marriage:

Criticism, contempt, bringing up past faults, stonewalling, lack of togetherness (separate lives), holding on to past “friends” of the opposite sex, lack of emotional support, and lack of understanding and forgiveness.

As we truly try to become one in our marriages, we will be able to enjoy more peace and happiness.