By coming together in money matters, couples can increase their unity and decrease conflict in their marriage.

 

When we come into a marriage, we each have our own expectations and ideas about money should be handled. Some people are savers, some are savers.  Trouble comes when a saver and a spender get married.  In my marriage, my husband and I are both spenders.  We are not overly crazy with our money, but we have never been able to build a savings and leave it alone. 

In Bernard Poduska’s book Til Debt Do Us Part, he talks about how birth order can affect how a person manages money.  He says that a first born child will often feel the need to control the family finances at the same time, feeling uneasy if any of the financial responsibility is given to a spouse.  Middle children are most often “pleasers”.  They like to buy others gifts, and find it very hard to tell their kids “no”.

My husband is a first born child, and I am the middle child.  This has created problems for us in the past.  My husband likes to control the money, but yet is a spender himself.  His purchases are justified, but mine are not – you can see how this would cause friction in our marriage. 

Poduska recommends three things that couples can do to help remedy this situation.  He says spouses need to openly talk about the finances, along with their expectations and desires. Next, he says spouses need to create an agreed upon financial plan, or budget.  Lastly, Poduska says spouses need to give each member of the family an allowance, so they can have some money to spend as they wish.

In my marriage, we have solved some of our money differences by creating a budget and sticking to it.  We openly talk about our finances with each other and our kids.  So the only step we still need to do is give each member in our family an allowance.  I think it’s important that a husband and wife have a little money of their own that they are free to save or spend as they wish.  I feel guilty when I make little purchases for myself - with an allowance, I wouldn’t have to feel that way.

In Marvin J. Ashton’s talk One for the Money, (2007) he talked about how husband wives can successfully handle their money.

“In the home, money management between husband and wife should be on a partnership basis, with both parties having a voice in decision and policy making. Peace, contentment, love, and security in the home are not possible when financial anxieties and bickerings prevail. Proper money management and living within one’s means are essential in today’s world if we are to live abundantly and happily."

 Marvin J. Ashton's steps to proper money management:

*Pay your financial obligations promptly, which is part of integrity and honesty

*Learn self-discipline and self-restraint in money matters

*Money-management skills should be learned together in a spirit of cooperation and love on a continuing basis.

*Use a budget. Avoid debt, except for homes and education.

*Make education a continuing process. Complete as much formal, full-time education as possible.

*Work toward home ownership - Buy the type of home your income will support

*Appropriately involve yourself in an insurance program. It is most important to have sufficient medical and adequate life insurance.

*Involve yourself in a food storage program. Accumulate your basic supplies in a systematic and an orderly way.

Learning to live within our means should be a continuing process. We need to work constantly toward keeping ourselves free of financial difficulties. Careless and selfish uses of money causes us to live in financial bondage.”

My husband and I went over Elder Ashton’s steps together.  We feel like we are on a positive path to accomplishing all these steps.  Having an agreed upon budget has relieved so much stress in our lives and in our marriage.  Our rule is that we have to ask to spend anything over $5.  Then every couple days or so, we look at our bank statement on line, and add the amounts into our Budgeting App.  The App helps us get the big picture of our finances.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part. Salt Lake City, Utah
Ashton, Marvin J. (2007) One for the Money. General Conference Address

Men and women were created equal, but sometimes in our marriages we don’t treat each other that way. 

Sometimes I think that I know best, and I want to get my way because I’m right!  When I get in this mindset, I am destroying me and my husband’s unity.  I have to remember that we are equal and both our voices should be heard and acknowledged.

Jesus, said to those who would be part of His Church: “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27). Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to united together. That unity in marriage is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.

In order to obtain unity in a marriage there are things we must do.

First, we must forgive and not hold grudges. Jesus set the example for us from the cross: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

Second, we have to learn to love imperfect people, including ourselves. “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil” (1 Cor. 13:4–5). We must not react negatively to other’s faults and forget our own. 

Next, we need to use our similarities to understand each other, and our differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around us.   (Henry B. Eyring, That We May Be One, April 1998)

We not only need to do things that foster unity, but we need to avoid things that destroy marital unity as well. 

Some things that destroy unity in a marriage:

Criticism, contempt, bringing up past faults, stonewalling, lack of togetherness (separate lives), holding on to past “friends” of the opposite sex, lack of emotional support, and lack of understanding and forgiveness.

As we truly try to become one in our marriages, we will be able to enjoy more peace and happiness.

                           Marital Fidelity

   Marital fidelity is much more than just sexual monogamy with your spouse.  Marital fidelity implies that your thoughts, emotions and actions are focused on your spouse. It means you give all your devotion to your spouse both physically and emotionally.  Emotional infidelity can lead to physical infidelity very easily.  A spouse who continues a friendship with a person of the opposite sex is inappropriate.  Women who keep in touch with their old boyfriends on Facebook is inappropriate.  It may be innocent and nothing ever happens, but it suggests emotional infidelity.

   “Physical infidelity is only one of the many temptations Satan uses to break up families and marriages. Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.  

   Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: ‘Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else’ (D&C 42:22). The spouse should become preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing should ever take precedence over the spouse.” (Spencer W. Kimball, Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think)

   My brother and his wife divorced over just such an issue.  My brother, Mark and his ex-wife lived very separate lives while they were married.  They each had their own hobbies, interests, and friends.  My brother sang in the Utah Opera, which occupied most of his time.  His wife never asked about it or came to see him.  My sister in law visited friends and family, often leaving for extended visits.  Mark never asked her about it or asked to go with her.  They had no emotional fidelity.

   I’m not saying pursuing hobbies or talents is bad.  There needs to be balance though.  They could have gone together to visit her family.  His ex-wife could have gone to practices and performances with Mark.  They could have let some of those extra things go, in favor of spending time together. They grew so far apart, that they divorced after only three years of marriage.

Wives have great power to keep their husbands near them physically and emotionally.

   
   Husbands are stereotyped as only wanting one thing out of a relationship. It’s usually not true.  Men desire romance and other intimate contact much the same as women.  Women most often desire intimacy just as often as men, but are more bogged down by fatigue, stress and worry.  Women have a harder time clearing their busy minds enough to even think about being intimate.   
   
   Intimacy is so important in a marriage – not just for fulfilling sexual needs – but for keeping that emotional bond strong between spouses. Unselfish sex bonds you, and helps you to have a strengthened emotional connection.

  “I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. Few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband.  The key is unselfishness.”  (Brent A. Barlow. They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage. Ensign 1986)

   “Achieving oneness” with our spouse should be our goal.  Sexual intimacy is a God-given way to achieve that with your spouse.  The challenge is for women to relax and let the intimacy happen.