D&C 64:33 – “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

In Dr. Gottman’s best-selling book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he talks about how important it is to “turn towards” our spouse.  He says, “Real life romance is fueled by a humdrum approach to staying connected.  It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.  Comical as it may sound, romance actually grows…when you make a choice to turn toward each other rather than away.  In a marriage people periodically make what I call “bids” for their partners attention, affection, humor, or support.  People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away.  Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life.”

He says some of the best ways to stay connected is working together and being appreciative of the work the other one is doing.  We are more likely to stay connected doing dishes together, than a romantic night out, that may not happen very often.

With teenagers in our house, our lives are so busy!  My husband works two jobs, my kids have jobs, and after school activities, I go to college full time – the list goes on and on.  We don’t have time to go on romantic evenings out.  We stay connected by working together.  When he is shoveling dog poop (how romantic) – I stand beside him and talk to him.  When I am cooking dinner – he is in the kitchen with me either washing the dishes or setting the table.  When he is mowing the lawn, I am out there with him gathering the leaves.  It is the only way I can talk with him and be with him. 

It’s nice when we can go on a date, but those aren’t the times the keep us connected.

Marriages are hard to keep together when the partners don’t “turn to each other”.  Sometimes the spouses may turn to family, friends, children, old romances, social media, shopping, or hobbies.  Great marriages are made when no other priority takes precedence over your spouse.  Great love and romance is achieved just by finding joy in doing simple everyday things together.

In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work, he says
“Fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial
they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage.  By simply
reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities-even as you grapple with
each other’s flaws-you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple
reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.”

I would like to go one step further and say selfless service is also an antidote for
contempt.  In the movie, Fireproof, the husband (played by Kirk Cameron) decides
to fight for a failing marriage by serving his wife.  She rebuffs his efforts again and
again, but he keeps serving her until her heart is softened. Through service our love
grows.  That’s why we love our children so much – we are always serving them!
In Dr. Gottman’s book, he says every marriage must develop a “love map”.  This is
his term for when a husband and wife know intimate details about each other.  They
know their spouse’s hopes, stresses, favorite food and colors, friends, what they are
struggling with in a particular day, etc.

Many married couples have become detached
from each other and lead very separate lives.  Spouses need to be best friends, so
that when hard times come, that respect and knowledge of each other can carry them
through.
Dr. Gottman offers a list of 60 questions that could determine how detailed your
“love map” is.  Among these are:

• What is their favorite song?
• What are their hobbies?
• What stresses are they facing today?
• What is their unrealized dream?
• What is their favorite meal?
• What are some of their best childhood memories?
• What is their greatest fear?
• Who do they dislike? 
• What do they like to do in their spare time?
• What would they do if they won the lottery?
• What do they view as their happiest times? (pg. 52-54)

There were only one or two that I didn’t know.  Dr. Gottman encourages you to play
this as a game with your spouse.  The winner is the one who gets the most questions
right.  My husband and I tied! We had a fun date night activity and learned that we
need to keep learning about each other. Sacrifice in today’s world is misunderstood and
devalued.  Women especially are encouraged to put themselves first.  “To care about
someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person.  It means
devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer
for one’s efforts, not poorer”.  (Tzvetan Todorov as quoted from Drawing Heaven 
Into Your Marriage. H. Wallace Goddard PhD. Pg. 40)

It takes strength of character to see your spouse’s faults and not correct them needlessly. 
It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our spouse and resist the urge
to smirk or gloat. It takes humility to be right and yet acknowledge that we all make
mistakes. It takes divine help to limit or discard hobbies that take us away from our
spouse and children. (Goddard. Pg. 40)

I find my greatest joy and happiness in serving my husband and children.  It is not a
drudgery!  I serve him because I love him, and I worry about his well-being.  The more
I serve him, the more he serves me in return.  We take care of each other.

Often in a marriage, the feeling of friendship is not there – and they don’t want to serve
each other. That is precisely when you do need to serve!  Serving your spouse will help
your love grow for
them.  I’m going to reference the movie Fireproof again (I highly recommend you watch
 it). Kirk Cameron’s character was given a list by his dad, of one nice thing that he was
supposed to do for his spouse every day.  He didn’t really feel like doing it – because
the friendship was gone. But he did it, because he promised his dad that he would. 
As he served his wife every day, their love and friendship grew.  It wasn’t easy, she
spurned most of his efforts, but he kept trying.

Most marriages are worth saving.  Most spouses can become friends and develop
“fondness and admiration” again.  It takes effort, but it’s worth it.

John Gottman said, "In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense
of meaning. They don't just 'get along' - they also support each other's hopes and
aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their loves together.  That is what I mean
when I talk about honoring and respecting each other."
(The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. pg. 23)

In my marriage that deep sense of meaning is the future we hope to have together in
 heaven.  We want to be together with our children, forever.  This gives us a sense of
loyalty and purpose.  My husband supports me in my college work, and I support him
in his hobby.  We don't keep score of who has more "Me" time (neither of us gets very
much!).

I would not describe my husband as my lover or my boyfriend.  I describe him as my
best friend.  We have been married for 18 1/2 years. We have had a lot of bad times,
and a lot of good times. I would say what has helped us the most, is that we talk nicely
to each other when we are upset.  We don't scream, use harsh language, or demean

each other.  When I do get too upset, I just walk away until I can be sure I won't be mean.
I really appreciate that we treat each other like best friends.

"When a couple have a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each
other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way.  But when couples are
in negative override, even a repair statement ... will have a low success rate.  The success
or failure of a couple's repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage
flourishes or flounders." (Gottman. The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.)

This is something we do too.  We use humor regularly to diffuse a tense situation.  It really
helps when we don't take our stress out on each other.  We are movie nerds, so we continually
quote funny phrases from our favorite movies to help ease tension. (Our favorite movies to
quote - Napolean Dynamite and Nacho Libre!) 

Marriage is hard work, but it's the most fulfilling relationship that I have.  I have to remember that

when I get upset.

                                                   St. George, Utah Temple, 2013

In Elder David A. Bednar’s talk, Marriage is Essential to His Eternal
 Plan (2006), he gives two doctrinal reasons to help us understand why
 eternal marriage is essential to the Father’s plan.

Reason #1: “The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect 
each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress
together toward exaltation.”  I like to think of what God said after he had
created Adam.  He said, “It is not good that man should be alone”.  
Women offer comfort, compassion, and support to their husbands. 
Women are uniquely adapted and in tune for this job.  Men offer support, 
security, and strength to their wives.  They have unique, divinely given 
masculine qualities that help them in this job.  “Neither is the man 
without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” 
(1 Corinthians 11:11)

Reason #2: “By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to 
bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the 
rearing and nurturing of children.” A home with a loving mother and 
father is the best setting to provide the physical and spiritual needs 
of a child. Just as the unique characteristics of both males and females 
contribute to the completeness of a marriage relationship, so those same 
characteristics are vital to the rearing, nurturing, and teaching of children. 
The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that “Children are  
entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a 
father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”

A same sex marriage is naturally sterile and they have to employ the help 
 of a third party to even have a child.  This complicates the child’s relationships 
for the rest of their life. Satan works tirelessly to “confuse understanding about 
gender, to promote the premature and unrighteous use of procreative power, 
and to hinder righteous marriage precisely because marriage is ordained of 
God and the family is central to the plan of happiness.” (Bednar. 2006)

I believe what Elder Bednar said.  Marriage and family is where we can find 
our greatest joy, so that’s where Satan is concentrating his efforts.  If he can 
destroy the traditional family, then he will succeed in making man “miserable 
like unto himself”.  My husband and children have given me such joy through-
out the years.  I may have ended up alone, bitter, or selfish without them.

This subject of gay and lesbian marriage has personally impacted my life and my family.  My brother is an openly gay man who fights for the rights of the LGTB community.  My teenage daughter has also declared her support for their cause.  My daughter told me she believes our church should let them be married in our temples.  She told me, “Why not? They are not hurting anyone.  Our church is just mean to them.”

Wow!  What should I say to that?  My only reply was “That’s not the way Heavenly Father designed our families.  He set things up for us to live with a father and a mother who are married.  We can’t change His rules –even though some people may want to.”  That initial reply was all I could come up with.  My research now has given me a lot more material to answer her question.

“Why not?”
First, I will quote to her from the Proclamation to the world written by our Prophets that says “The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.”  I believe these men speak for God.  God says so – not us.  They are His rules.  Who are we to change them? 

Second, I will explain to my daughter that marriage between a man and a woman is set up as the best way to raise a child.  Studies have been done on the benefits of the traditional family. “Marriage is a vital institution for rearing children and teaching them to become responsible adults.” (LDS Newsroom, The Divine Institution of Marriage) Children need a mother and a father figure in their life for proper development. A child who doesn’t have one of them is likely to have mental, social, and academic difficulties.

Third, I will ask her what would life be like for you if I was a lesbian?  How would you feel about me?  What would your life be like?  What would be some of our family’s challenges?  Is life better for you now – with a mom and dad that love each other?

I know there are two sides to every story and the argument is made that gay and lesbian parents can be as loving as straight couples.  Of course they love their children, but are they raising them in an environment that is best for them?  What views of the world will their children have?  What morals will their children have?  How will they live their lives when they are grown?

I don’t know the answers to all these questions.

What I do know is that our Heavenly Father has set up a plan for his children. His plan dictates that children be born in wedlock with a mother and father to raise them.  We are not Saints or angels or prophets that can change the way things were designed.  I love my brother and I love my daughter, unconditionally, no matter what they do.  My love for them does not dictate that I change my beliefs to accommodate theirs.  I believe – right is right – and man cannot change that, no matter what the law of the land says.  God’s laws never change.