In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work, he
says
“Fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial
they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage. By simply
reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities-even as you grapple with
each other’s flaws-you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple
reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.”
I would like to go one step further and say selfless service is also an antidote for
contempt. In the movie, Fireproof, the husband (played by Kirk Cameron) decides
to fight for a failing marriage by serving his wife. She rebuffs his efforts again and
again, but he keeps serving her until her heart is softened. Through service our love
grows. That’s why we love our children so much – we are always serving them!
In Dr. Gottman’s book, he says every marriage must develop a “love map”. This is
his term for when a husband and wife know intimate details about each other. They
know their spouse’s hopes, stresses, favorite food and colors, friends, what they are
struggling with in a particular day, etc.
Many married couples have become detached
from each other and lead very separate lives. Spouses need to be best friends, so
that when hard times come, that respect and knowledge of each other can carry them
through.
Dr. Gottman offers a list of 60 questions that could determine how detailed your
“love map” is. Among these are:
this as a game with your spouse. The winner is the one who gets the most questions
right. My husband and I tied! We had a fun date night activity and learned that we
need to keep learning about each other. Sacrifice in today’s world is misunderstood and
devalued. Women especially are encouraged to put themselves first. “To care about
someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person. It means
devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer
for one’s efforts, not poorer”. (Tzvetan Todorov as quoted from Drawing Heaven
Into Your Marriage. H. Wallace Goddard PhD. Pg. 40)
It takes strength of character to see your spouse’s faults and not correct them needlessly.
It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our spouse and resist the urge
to smirk or gloat. It takes humility to be right and yet acknowledge that we all make
mistakes. It takes divine help to limit or discard hobbies that take us away from our
spouse and children. (Goddard. Pg. 40)
I find my greatest joy and happiness in serving my husband and children. It is not a
drudgery! I serve him because I love him, and I worry about his well-being. The more
I serve him, the more he serves me in return. We take care of each other.
Often in a marriage, the feeling of friendship is not there – and they don’t want to serve
each other. That is precisely when you do need to serve! Serving your spouse will help
your love grow for
them. I’m going to reference the movie Fireproof again (I highly recommend you watch
it). Kirk Cameron’s character was given a list by his dad, of one nice thing that he was
supposed to do for his spouse every day. He didn’t really feel like doing it – because
the friendship was gone. But he did it, because he promised his dad that he would.
As he served his wife every day, their love and friendship grew. It wasn’t easy, she
spurned most of his efforts, but he kept trying.
Most marriages are worth saving. Most spouses can become friends and develop
“fondness and admiration” again. It takes effort, but it’s worth it.
“Fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial
they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage. By simply
reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities-even as you grapple with
each other’s flaws-you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple
reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.”
I would like to go one step further and say selfless service is also an antidote for
contempt. In the movie, Fireproof, the husband (played by Kirk Cameron) decides
to fight for a failing marriage by serving his wife. She rebuffs his efforts again and
again, but he keeps serving her until her heart is softened. Through service our love
grows. That’s why we love our children so much – we are always serving them!
In Dr. Gottman’s book, he says every marriage must develop a “love map”. This is
his term for when a husband and wife know intimate details about each other. They
know their spouse’s hopes, stresses, favorite food and colors, friends, what they are
struggling with in a particular day, etc.
Many married couples have become detached
from each other and lead very separate lives. Spouses need to be best friends, so
that when hard times come, that respect and knowledge of each other can carry them
through.
Dr. Gottman offers a list of 60 questions that could determine how detailed your
“love map” is. Among these are:
- What is their favorite song?
- What are their hobbies?
- What stresses are they facing today?
- What is their unrealized dream?
- What is their favorite meal?
- What are some of their best childhood memories?
- What is their greatest fear?
- Who do they dislike?
- What do they like to do in their spare time?
- What would they do if they won the lottery?
- What do they view as their happiest times? (pg. 52-54)
this as a game with your spouse. The winner is the one who gets the most questions
right. My husband and I tied! We had a fun date night activity and learned that we
need to keep learning about each other. Sacrifice in today’s world is misunderstood and
devalued. Women especially are encouraged to put themselves first. “To care about
someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person. It means
devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer
for one’s efforts, not poorer”. (Tzvetan Todorov as quoted from Drawing Heaven
Into Your Marriage. H. Wallace Goddard PhD. Pg. 40)
It takes strength of character to see your spouse’s faults and not correct them needlessly.
It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our spouse and resist the urge
to smirk or gloat. It takes humility to be right and yet acknowledge that we all make
mistakes. It takes divine help to limit or discard hobbies that take us away from our
spouse and children. (Goddard. Pg. 40)
I find my greatest joy and happiness in serving my husband and children. It is not a
drudgery! I serve him because I love him, and I worry about his well-being. The more
I serve him, the more he serves me in return. We take care of each other.
Often in a marriage, the feeling of friendship is not there – and they don’t want to serve
each other. That is precisely when you do need to serve! Serving your spouse will help
your love grow for
them. I’m going to reference the movie Fireproof again (I highly recommend you watch
it). Kirk Cameron’s character was given a list by his dad, of one nice thing that he was
supposed to do for his spouse every day. He didn’t really feel like doing it – because
the friendship was gone. But he did it, because he promised his dad that he would.
As he served his wife every day, their love and friendship grew. It wasn’t easy, she
spurned most of his efforts, but he kept trying.
Most marriages are worth saving. Most spouses can become friends and develop
“fondness and admiration” again. It takes effort, but it’s worth it.
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