Marital Fidelity

   Marital fidelity is much more than just sexual monogamy with your spouse.  Marital fidelity implies that your thoughts, emotions and actions are focused on your spouse. It means you give all your devotion to your spouse both physically and emotionally.  Emotional infidelity can lead to physical infidelity very easily.  A spouse who continues a friendship with a person of the opposite sex is inappropriate.  Women who keep in touch with their old boyfriends on Facebook is inappropriate.  It may be innocent and nothing ever happens, but it suggests emotional infidelity.

   “Physical infidelity is only one of the many temptations Satan uses to break up families and marriages. Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.  

   Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: ‘Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else’ (D&C 42:22). The spouse should become preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing should ever take precedence over the spouse.” (Spencer W. Kimball, Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think)

   My brother and his wife divorced over just such an issue.  My brother, Mark and his ex-wife lived very separate lives while they were married.  They each had their own hobbies, interests, and friends.  My brother sang in the Utah Opera, which occupied most of his time.  His wife never asked about it or came to see him.  My sister in law visited friends and family, often leaving for extended visits.  Mark never asked her about it or asked to go with her.  They had no emotional fidelity.

   I’m not saying pursuing hobbies or talents is bad.  There needs to be balance though.  They could have gone together to visit her family.  His ex-wife could have gone to practices and performances with Mark.  They could have let some of those extra things go, in favor of spending time together. They grew so far apart, that they divorced after only three years of marriage.

Wives have great power to keep their husbands near them physically and emotionally.

   
   Husbands are stereotyped as only wanting one thing out of a relationship. It’s usually not true.  Men desire romance and other intimate contact much the same as women.  Women most often desire intimacy just as often as men, but are more bogged down by fatigue, stress and worry.  Women have a harder time clearing their busy minds enough to even think about being intimate.   
   
   Intimacy is so important in a marriage – not just for fulfilling sexual needs – but for keeping that emotional bond strong between spouses. Unselfish sex bonds you, and helps you to have a strengthened emotional connection.

  “I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. Few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband.  The key is unselfishness.”  (Brent A. Barlow. They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage. Ensign 1986)

   “Achieving oneness” with our spouse should be our goal.  Sexual intimacy is a God-given way to achieve that with your spouse.  The challenge is for women to relax and let the intimacy happen.

                                  Gridlock in Marriage

 Perpetual problems in marriage often end in gridlock.  Sometimes spouses may feel hopeless that a problem just can’t be solved.  “The goal in ending gridlock is not to solve the problem, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue.  To navigate your way out of gridlock, you first have to understand its cause… Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other.” (Gottman. 215)

In Dr. Gottman’s book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he gives five steps that will help couples deal with gridlock.   Get together with your spouse and completing these steps together.

Step 1: Become a Dream Detective.  Many times deep or personal dreams go unspoken.  Couples may feel they have to keep their wishes private in order to make the marriage work. Dr. Gottman said that if you bury your dreams, they will just resurface later in “a disguised form as a gridlocked conflict.”  Have many conversations about what your desires and wishes are.  Ask your spouse what their hopes are for the future.

Step 2: Work on a Gridlocked Marital Issue. Now that you have ideas about what your spouse’s aspirations and dreams are, you can tackle the gridlocked issues with new perspective.  Dr. Gottman suggests giving 15 minutes to each person as the talker, and 15 minutes as the listener.  Don’t try to solve the issue.  Don’t bad mouth the other or try to persuade your point.  The talker is only trying to explain their feelings on the subject.  Use “I” statements.  Don’t address how you feel about your spouse in relation to this issue.  The listener should not interrupt or downplay the talker’s feelings. Although, the listener can ask questions like: what do you believe? How do you feel about that? What do you want?  The goal is to understand and validate each other’s feelings. “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.” (Gottman. 234)

Step 3: Soothe Each Other. If the discussion gets to intense, stop.  Let each other know that you are feeling angry or frustrated and take a break from the discussion.  Practice self-soothing techniques to help you calm down.  Do anything that you enjoy that helps you feel calm.  Take a warm shower, meditate, read a good book, go for a walk or crochet or knit. After you have calmed down, then try to soothe your spouse.  Give a massage, meditate with them, or watch a favorite TV program together while holding hands, etc.

Step 4: Compromise. In order for compromise to work you have to accept your spouse’s influence and not have a closed mind to their point of view.  You don’t have to agree with them, but you have to honestly consider their position. If your discussion gets too heated again – repeat step three. Dr. Gottman suggests each of you draw two circles on a paper.  One larger one on the outside and a smaller one in the center.  In the center write down what you feel you absolutely cannot compromise on.  In the outer circle write down what you could possibly compromise on.  Try to make your list a lot larger in the outer circle than in the center.  Share your papers with each other.  Look for common bases of agreement.  Many times what you absolutely cannot compromise on are compatible for both to get their wishes.

Step 5. Be tolerant with each other’s faults. Until you accept your spouse’s faults, you will not be able to compromise successfully.

My husband and I have tried these steps, and they really work.  We have always disagreed on how to raise our kids.  He thinks I show too much compassion, when what they really need is discipline.  I can’t be as harsh as he wants me to be – and it makes him mad.  He is gone so much, he wants me to take care of their behavior problems in his absence.  I talk with my kids and do the best I can to teach them gospel principles.  Other than that I don’t punish them.  This is a fault I have, but I don’t really want to change.

By using these steps we were able to uncover some hidden aspirations for our kids, and his fears that they might not ever get there because of lack of discipline.  I agreed that I needed to do more, but my reasoning was that they were basically really good teenagers.  I wanted them to be able to govern themselves.

I agreed that I could take away privileges if the situation warranted it.  He agreed to not get mad at me for doing what I thought was best in dealing with our kids.   

Thankfully we didn’t have to stop to soothe ourselves or each other.  Michael recognized that I hate conflict and avoid it all costs – this is why I hate to discipline.  I recognized that Michael is a high achiever and he wants the same outcome for his kids. 

It was a great activity and a very productive one.  This perpetual problem of ours in on its way to be a solvable one.