Gridlock in Marriage

 Perpetual problems in marriage often end in gridlock.  Sometimes spouses may feel hopeless that a problem just can’t be solved.  “The goal in ending gridlock is not to solve the problem, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue.  To navigate your way out of gridlock, you first have to understand its cause… Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other.” (Gottman. 215)

In Dr. Gottman’s book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he gives five steps that will help couples deal with gridlock.   Get together with your spouse and completing these steps together.

Step 1: Become a Dream Detective.  Many times deep or personal dreams go unspoken.  Couples may feel they have to keep their wishes private in order to make the marriage work. Dr. Gottman said that if you bury your dreams, they will just resurface later in “a disguised form as a gridlocked conflict.”  Have many conversations about what your desires and wishes are.  Ask your spouse what their hopes are for the future.

Step 2: Work on a Gridlocked Marital Issue. Now that you have ideas about what your spouse’s aspirations and dreams are, you can tackle the gridlocked issues with new perspective.  Dr. Gottman suggests giving 15 minutes to each person as the talker, and 15 minutes as the listener.  Don’t try to solve the issue.  Don’t bad mouth the other or try to persuade your point.  The talker is only trying to explain their feelings on the subject.  Use “I” statements.  Don’t address how you feel about your spouse in relation to this issue.  The listener should not interrupt or downplay the talker’s feelings. Although, the listener can ask questions like: what do you believe? How do you feel about that? What do you want?  The goal is to understand and validate each other’s feelings. “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.” (Gottman. 234)

Step 3: Soothe Each Other. If the discussion gets to intense, stop.  Let each other know that you are feeling angry or frustrated and take a break from the discussion.  Practice self-soothing techniques to help you calm down.  Do anything that you enjoy that helps you feel calm.  Take a warm shower, meditate, read a good book, go for a walk or crochet or knit. After you have calmed down, then try to soothe your spouse.  Give a massage, meditate with them, or watch a favorite TV program together while holding hands, etc.

Step 4: Compromise. In order for compromise to work you have to accept your spouse’s influence and not have a closed mind to their point of view.  You don’t have to agree with them, but you have to honestly consider their position. If your discussion gets too heated again – repeat step three. Dr. Gottman suggests each of you draw two circles on a paper.  One larger one on the outside and a smaller one in the center.  In the center write down what you feel you absolutely cannot compromise on.  In the outer circle write down what you could possibly compromise on.  Try to make your list a lot larger in the outer circle than in the center.  Share your papers with each other.  Look for common bases of agreement.  Many times what you absolutely cannot compromise on are compatible for both to get their wishes.

Step 5. Be tolerant with each other’s faults. Until you accept your spouse’s faults, you will not be able to compromise successfully.

My husband and I have tried these steps, and they really work.  We have always disagreed on how to raise our kids.  He thinks I show too much compassion, when what they really need is discipline.  I can’t be as harsh as he wants me to be – and it makes him mad.  He is gone so much, he wants me to take care of their behavior problems in his absence.  I talk with my kids and do the best I can to teach them gospel principles.  Other than that I don’t punish them.  This is a fault I have, but I don’t really want to change.

By using these steps we were able to uncover some hidden aspirations for our kids, and his fears that they might not ever get there because of lack of discipline.  I agreed that I needed to do more, but my reasoning was that they were basically really good teenagers.  I wanted them to be able to govern themselves.

I agreed that I could take away privileges if the situation warranted it.  He agreed to not get mad at me for doing what I thought was best in dealing with our kids.   

Thankfully we didn’t have to stop to soothe ourselves or each other.  Michael recognized that I hate conflict and avoid it all costs – this is why I hate to discipline.  I recognized that Michael is a high achiever and he wants the same outcome for his kids. 

It was a great activity and a very productive one.  This perpetual problem of ours in on its way to be a solvable one.