3 Nephi 11:29-30 For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.

According to Dr. John Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual. I think this may be overestimated.  Perpetual problems will always be a part of a marriage, they are unsolvable in most cases.  For example, minor character flaws or annoyances.  Fundamental differences in views, opinions or goals can also cause perpetual problems in a marriage. 

Successful marriage partners need to understand that perpetual problems are an inevitable part of marriage.  Successful couples may hate that these problems persist, but they are able to cope with them, or overlook them. The key is to developing strategies and routines to help us deal with our perpetual problems. Five steps to dealing with perpetual problems are: 1. make sure you use a soft start up in your communication with your spouse; 2. learn to effectively use repair attempts; 3. monitor yourself and your partner for warning signs of flooding (overwhelmed); 4. Learn how to compromise; 5. And become tolerant of each other’s perspectives. (Gottman. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 134)

In my marriage, Michael and I have a quite a few perpetual problems.  He is annoyed at my lack of energy and ambition.  I am annoyed at him throwing his dirty clothes on the floor.  He feels differently about how to discipline our 16 year old son than I do, which causes some intense discussions.  I am annoyed that he is late so often and doesn’t call me.  He is annoyed that I don’t want to go and do things outside the house.

We have been married for almost 19 years and I think our ability to handle these perpetual problems lies in our coping methods.  I think I am really good at remembering all the good Michael does, which helps me to overlook his messiness.  Michael is very patient and doesn’t nag me about going to do new things. 

Michael and I use lots of repair attempts in the form of humor to ease tense situations.  We are big movie nerds and we like to quote humorous lines from movies that perfectly fit a situation.  It’s kind of a game we play – who can quote the most perfectly fitting humorous line.  It’s fun and it diffuses tense or hard situations.  What’s funny is our children have started in on the play too. 

We also have learned how to compromise when it comes to our son.  Our compromises aren’t traditional ones.  We have agreed that sometimes we will do things his way, and other times we will do things my way.  We just take turns in our disciplinary actions.

Some problems that couples label as perpetual may actually be solvable or an issue that doesn’t need to be solved right away.  One way to tell if a problem is solvable is that they seem less painful or intense than a perpetual one.  When you argue over a solvable problem, “your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation.  There is no underlying conflict that is fueling your dispute” (Gottman. 134) If disagreements symbolize deeper issues like trust, selfishness, or security then the problem is perpetual.  Spouses need to understand the deeper meanings that an argument has for each of them or they will not be able to manage it effectively.

The basis for coping with both kinds of problems is communicating to your spouse that you understand and accept their personality.  It’s a fact that people can only change if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are. When a person feels criticized, misunderstood or unloved then they feel “under siege and dig in to protect themselves.” (Gottman. 149)

Michael and I have tried to validate each other’s feelings and understand the other’s perspective.  This skill has come for me as I have prayed for it.  I pray that my heart will be soft, and that I can understand Michael’s stresses.  As I am understanding, it is reciprocated.